last night...

i received a really really bad news last night. all the way from taiwan. i was practically trembling over phone when i was being told about the bad news. i didnt know how to react. it shocked me. well i guess it shocked everyone who knows her.

from this incident, it got me thinking..i guess people always say that those people who committed suicides for love or stress or just for hard times are stupid and they are all idiots..and they shouldnt have done that n all... but have we ever put ourselves in their shoes? well even if we have, we wouldnt really know how exactly they feel right. coz bad things are not happening to us. people always say - "i know how you feel". but do we really know? do we? we only know that they feel upset n all. but deep down, only that person himself/herself will know how he/she feels.

though i myself had been thru one of those hard times and had stupid thought before, i dont think im in a position to say that shes stupid. coz like i said, i wouldnt really know her true feelings. although we faced more or less the same situation, i still wouldnt say - i know how she feels. but now, i cant even get the chance to talk to her.

i guess people around her would have said that shes an idiot. but maybe for her, thats the best way to deal with her situation. or maybe she just didnt know or didnt wanna deal it in any other way but this. anyhow, i guess sometimes people just need to stop saying that this group of people are stupid n all. we dont get to judge. we dont get to judge them just because they tried to kill themselves outta love. coz maybe we wont know how much he/she loves that one person. love is really blind sometimes. and we cant say that its a very bad thing. coz at least it makes you realize how deep the love is.


on another note, i was crying last night after the call. and i didnt know how the hell my hp accidentally called him. something must have gone wrong with my phone. then he called back. i didnt answer the first time coz i didnt want him to know i was crying. i didnt expect at all that he'd call the second time. so i picked up. and he noticed something was wrong with my voice. but i said nothing. deep down, i wanted talk to him so bad when i answered the call. but once i think of my position, i said nothing. who am i to talk to him about my feelings. im not in that position. i used to have him to talk to and his shoulder to cry on. but this is not the situation anymore. 

you've got it already..

两个人一起是为了快乐，分手是为了减轻痛苦，

你无法再令我快乐，我也唯有离开，

我离开的时候，也很痛苦，

只是，你肯定比我痛苦，

因为我首先说再见，

首先追求快乐的是我。。。。   ~ 张小娴



glad that you've found what you have always wanted...
glad that you're so happy now...

crap!

unbelievable!

i can't believe i'm actually hoping for the impossible, the unreachable, the unlikely!!

what is wrong with me?!!

and i thought i have talked myself into this...

crap!!

i'm so screwed...

i have been trying hard... real hard.. believe me..

but it is always easier said than done..

XX

the parcel has been long arrived.

i'm still wondering if i should ask him about it. would it be weird? how would he think about it? urgh! screw it!

i'm tired of wondering. i need a hug!

im amazed (this aint april's fool joke!!)

nobody is gonna believe this! coz i couldnt believe it myself either! im surprised. very.

so what is so unbelievable?? this is: -
half an hour on the treadmill, half an hour of yoga, an hour of body combat & an hour of body pump!!!!! beat that! haha.

i dont know what has gotten into me. i guess i needed to release stress. not work-related stress. but something else. and i have not been sleeping well since monday. been having weird dreams. dreamt of the things that i wouldnt wanna see with my own eyes. at least not now. coz i know i wont know how to react if it happens in front of me. i suck. i know.

after that 3 hours of gym, i almost died while i was driving home. haha. i cant feel my legs and my arms. they dont belong to me. i dont feel them with me. was having a hard time in the shower too! couldnt really lift my arms up to wash my hair. haha. crap! i wonder if i can wake up to work tmr. anyhow, im amazed!!

anyways, im dead tired. hopefully i get to sleep well tonight. and hopefully i get some sweetdreams! although the sweet things dont happen to me in my real life. but whats wrong with just dreaming of it right?! or maybe i'll just dream of those happy moments i had back then. *fingers crossed*

till then. ~cheers~


*im still very much amazed! haha..*