your words couldn't set me free...

Grandma must go on an operation tomorrow, doc said. Yes. Tomorrow! It is that urgent! But grandma didn't want to undergo another operation. She's tired. Really tired, she said. It hurts me so so much seeing her like that. Tears just came out when i was showering. And i thought to myself. Why is this happening? Yes, i said something i told her the truth. If it was meant to be a punishment, punish me then! Stop making my grandma to go thru all these. I don't mind suffering. I don't mind going thru all the hardships. Shits happen to me anyways. So no difference. I just want people around me family friends to be happy and healthy.

A letter, i wrote. And put it under her pillow when she was asleep.

To the love of my life,

Yes. You are unquestionably one of the loves of my life. You are undeniably one of the most precious people in my whole life. I was born to love you. And i really do love you. A lot. I would do anything for you. I really mean anything. 

I know i hurt you badly. But as much as i hope that i could undo the things i did. I actually wouldn't. Because all i wanted was to tell you the truth. I didn't want to hide anything from you. But the words you said to me, they couldn't set me free. Now i'm stuck here in this life i didn't ask for. Your last words keep playing in my head. And they really hurt, you know.  

I'm sick. I'm tired too. In fact, i'm exhausted. Everyday i have to put up a smile to work to everywhere i go and pretend that everything is fine when i'm actually devastated deep down. I've been thru feeling betrayed by someone i dearly love. I know how it feels. I'm sorry i hurt you. But like i said, i wouldn't undo the things i said. Honesty, the third lesson you taught me when i was still a lil kid, remember?

I wanted to start fresh. I must move on. I know. I promised myself from the beginning of this year, the old Joey must come back! The old-and-better Joey. I am back! At least i think so. You know, it wasn't easy at all before i decided to come clean. Honesty was seriously the hardest thing for me at that point of time. But i did what i had to. And i'm really sorry.

So please forgive me. I miss you. I really need you to be with me. I couldn't and wouldn't even imagine my life without you. Most importantly, please be healthy and stay strong. You being sick is the last thing i want k. So please stay healthy always. Whether or not you'd forgive me. I will always love you. 

Love, 
Joey.

She will be fine. I'll pray hard.